Today was a day I needed to hear His word.
Owen decided that his belly was not quite full enough last night, at 10. Unfortunately, I didn't get the memo, nor did I understand why he was screaming for two full hours. Finally, at midnight, I decided to try feeding him. At last... the ceiling fan, silence and sucking noises were the only "sounds" heard in my house. I fell asleep at 1.
When Brant's alarm went off at 5:30 so he could get ready for work, I felt him rubbing my back. Uh. NO. THAT's not happening. Still. I told him, I was up with Owen far too late last night and was not getting up as early as I had planned.
See, I had planned on getting up at 5:30, showering, and taking my boys out to breakfast before church. Instead, I slept until 8:30. I promptly sprang out of bed and threw on some clothes. I brushed my hair and made sure Caleb and Owen were clean and dressed. I got to church at 9:05. Not too late. But, late, still. So, here I was at church. Dressed, hair brushed, and filthy. I hadn't had a complete shower since Thursday or Friday (I've forgotten).
Church was exactly what I needed. Kurt preached the perfect sermon to us, and I felt the spirit move me. I am still on the path to getting baptised in the Baptist church. I just need to do it on MY time. I know, not HIS plan...so, not my plan. Owen was an angel, again, eating like he's never been fed, and staying pretty peaceful and quiet during the service. The last song really spoke to me and I was able to harmonize like I LOVE to do. But, I still felt dirty. So, the moment church was over, I high-tailed it out of there to get "cleansed" in a whole other way.
I was halfway home when I realized two things:
1. I totally skipped out on the new CLG. Sorry, J!
2. My phone was at my dad's. Most likely dead.
So, I ran home to pick up stuff to shower at dad's house. (he has the BEST shower, ever). Sure enough, there is my phone. Dead. I won't go home until tonight... so I won't get it charged until then. So, if you are trying to reach me, you can try my dad's house number, or wait until tomorrow. Sorry.
So, why the post of torn? It has to do with the direction I feel I should go with my faith. I want Brant to be involved. He'll go to my baptism when the time is right. He'll do the FUN functions, if he is available. But, he works. A lot. As in nearly every Sunday from 7 to 7. This takes him away from the church. Plus, he will support whatever I choose for our boys... just ... he might not want to go with me to worship in the same way. It's fine. I think. So, does this make us a spiritually mismatched couple? Really? I keep thinking maybe not. So, I am torn. Do I really want to go that direction, or do I want to find another group that will support the more young-ish family group that I had last year? Or, do I do nothing... and just go to worship the Father? Hmmmm... yup. Torn.
3 comments:
You had me worried, girl! So please ignore the messages I left you. :)
You do what you feel the Lord is leading you to do. There is another group like our "old" group going on in the same place at the same time led by the Grant's - they are wonderful people (and he's my dad's boss at the Outdoorsman, so I'm sure Brant knows him if there's ever the opportunity for him to go).
I promise my feelings will not be hurt if that's the right group for you.
Maybe I'll actually get a chance to come talk to you this week... at the same school where we both work all day long but never see each other... :)
I feel you. I really do. I wish I had some wonderful advice to offer you. All I can say is what I have decided to do for myself in my situation.
1. Give him every opportunity - fun or not - to get excited about church. Provide every amount of social interaction you can with Christian couples who also happen to attend church with you.
2. Live it. (So hard at times)
3. Let yourself be vulnerable to God. B. will see your authenticity, and because he loves you, he will most likely want to be a part of it eventually.
Those are my thoughts. They are a work in progress in my own life. I hope it helps.
Believe it or not, I was in the same place as you 31 years ago. Amazing how fast time passes. I had to make a decision for myself and the way I wanted my children, when they came, to be raised. I wanted him to be there, but I had to make a decision and get settled. I did. I lived it. He watched. He soon followed. The rest is history. God's story.
That's just it. It is God's story He is writing in your life. He has a plan. You do your part...He will do His.
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